Gender and Conflict

The views of gender are often distorted, resulting in injustice and harm to both men and women in the Church. It is not surprising to see, but it should cause sadness and appropriate anger in response. I tend to think of the silencing of women as something that would be apparent in a church's doctrinal statements or teaching from the pulpit, or at least obvious in the slurs and attitudes of the leaders, but recently, both my reading and experience have united to show me that these distortions are often far more insidious than I like to think.

Specifically, how does a man respond when he is confronted about sin by a woman? I can think of any number of male friends of mine who would be able to hear biblical confrontation or questions from me with grace and humility. I hope I could receive it from them likewise.

What is it that frees us to receive correction, or even criticism? The article "The Cross and Criticism" by Dr. Alfred J. Poirer of Peacemakers includes this paragraph as explanation:

In light of God's judgment and justification of the sinner in the cross of Christ, we can begin to discover how to deal with any and all criticism. By agreeing with God's criticism of me in Christ's cross, I can face any criticism man [includes all humanity] may lay against me. In other words, no one can criticize me more than the cross has. And the most devastating criticism turns out to be the finest mercy. If you thus know yourself as having been crucified with Christ, then you can respond to any criticism, even mistaken or hostile criticism, without bitterness, defensiveness, or blameshifting. Such responses typically exacerbate and intensify conflict, and lead to the rupture of relationships. You can learn to hear criticism as constructive and not condemnatory because God has justified you.

Surely, the gender of the one either gently rebuking or angrily criticizing does nothing to undo the justification of God that should allow all of us to hear correction in humility. And yet, I am learning that many men in the church are unable to hear women who observe sin in them.

A few paragraphs from Lost Women of the Bible by Carolyn Custis James speak to this issue. She is writing about Tamar, whose story has been "lost" in the ways that it has often been misinterpreted:

In church, we talk about the importance of a "quiet and gentle spirit" (I Peter 3:4) as though the Bible has nothing else to say about women, doesn't also require these qualities in godly men, and doesn't equally prize a woman's strength. Tamar sets us straight. She wasn't called righteous for her gentle and quiet spirit. She was righteous by being strong and assertive. She was a godly leader. She confronted Judah, the future leader of Jacob's family, for turning his back on God's covenant, and her courageous actions led him back to God. She was committed to build the house of Jacob and used her strength, her wit, and her courage to do what was right in God's eyes. Judah rightly called her righteous.

Dropping a strong woman like Tamar from the lineup of biblical female role models confuses women into thinking it's okay to turn a blind eye instead of speaking up when sin is in the family or the church. It also causes a lot of godly women to feel that their strength is all wrong. To be sure, strength, like any other gift, can be misused by a man or a women. But righteous strength like Tamar's is an asset to the church. When we discard the strength of women, we disable a powerful weapon against the Enemy and remove a vital safeguard for men. God calls the ezer to be strong.

The goal of all rebuke and correction is to restore the brother or sister who is caught in sin. It should be done gently, by both men and women. To pursue that restoration is love, to allow injustice and sin is to harm the one who is caught in it. It is not gentle, quiet, or peace-loving to ignore sin; it is wrong. God condemns this kind of false peace in Jeremiah 6:14, "They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, 'peace, peace' where there is no peace." Tamar's confrontation of Judah was for his good:

Judah gave Tamar the highest marks for her conduct and accepted her righteous rebuke. Her actions didn't emasculate or feminize him, as we are warned will happen if a woman takes the initiative. She didn't rob Judah of his manhood. to the contrary, he became a better man because of his encounter with her. One wonders what would have become of Judah is Tamar had held her peace and remained passive. The strength of a woman is a powerful weapon for rescue, healing, and peace when women like Tamar are "strong in the Lord."